How to Eat a Banana, Matthew Style

1. Drag the whole bunch of bananas to your mom and say, "NUH!" loudly to get her attention.
2. Suffer through being coached on the proper way to ask for things.
3. Say, "Peas ... have ... NUH!" and be rewarded with a banana - just what you wanted in the first place.
4. Rock back and forth on your toes and heels, squeeze your hands together, and alternate between screeching excitedly and saying, "Um, um, um!" while taking bites of the air in front of you while you wait for your mom to peel it part way and hand it to you. She's smart - she knows you would never even consider holding a banana without the peel.
5. Thoroughly enjoy eating half of the banana, saying after bites, "Nuh ... ummy!" and "I ... uv ... nuh!" and wiggling in excitement and taking little jumps.
6. Watch your dad get a powdered doughnut out of the cabinet.
7. Say, "Maff-you ... hate ... nuh!" and try to give the half-eaten banana back to your mom.
8. Turn to your dad, point at the doughnut, and say, "Share ... me!" and try to give the banana back to your dad.
9. Get frustrated. Tell your dad, frantically, "Give ... that ... me! Want ... eat!" and start to cry.
10. Throw the banana across the room and scream, "No ... want ... nuh!" and launch yourself into a fit on the floor.
11. Sit in the naughty chair for 2 minutes for throwing food.
12. When you are allowed to get up, take the banana from where your mom placed it on the kitchen table.
13. Make sure no one is looking.
14. Take a bite and smile. Say, softly, "Maff-you ... ike ... nuh!"
15. Finish the banana down to the last half-inch, happy again.
16. Throw the empty peel and the last half-inch nub in the garbage. Your mom knows you never, ever eat the last half-inch of a banana and she is OK with that.